Shunned

“I was not formed yet, not a decision-maker about my life.  I was not yet born to consciousness.  But here, suddenly, I was facing the results of being in the world.  In those empty, slow, lonely days, I had to be born into my next life, as I lost my old self in a kind of death”

I feel as though this is one of those quotes that are going to stick through the rest of the book. And I guess it would stick in our everyday lives as well, what with us being teenagers and all. This is a great growing up quote. It isn't necessarily a happy one one but when you have "growing up sucks" shoved down your throat your whole life, it kind of doesn't phase you anymore. But I digress. What I'm trying to get at is none of us are formed at this age. (Note: "Us" from here on out will also include "shunned/teenager Meredith" jsyk) None of us have had the chance to 'break the mold' and 'become our own shapes'. Sure, we can choose what shoes to wear or when you want to finally roll out of bed and get ready for school but those aren't significant decisions. We haven't tested the limits of society's standards and fully 'dared to be different'. We've all just been unknowingly going through the motions because that's how its always been. But when we grow up (not just turning 18) and we finally think to ourselves, 'wow this sucks. I guess that's what I get for existing,' then you finally have the chance to rearrange everything. If you realize you don't like your friends or your job or your hobbies, you can get knew ones. You can shuffle and change every aspect of your life until you feel comfortable. And with changing aspects of your life, you also change aspects of yourself. You become a new person and whoever you were before ceases to exist. That's a normal part of life and something that every 'adult' has experienced. That's what it's like to truly exist. It's a result of being in the world and living life.

Moloka'i (Sister Catherine)

"You see, Sister. That's all we have to do. Learn how to smile in the cannibal pot, and life would be so much easier." (p. 81)

My drawing depicts a smiling nun in a pot surrounded by cannibals. I know at first it seems more literal than anything else but I'll explain. The nun (just a regular old nun, nothing Sister Catherine-y about her), represents Sister Catherine. The pot she's boiling in is her situation. She is surrounded by lepers all day and all night. The pot and firewood looks like a skull because her situation will likely result in death. Around her are a bunch of cannibals. They represent the things around her that 'stir up the pot', so to speak. The one closest to her represents leprosy. It is the thing she is most scared of and she would rather die than contract it. To the far left is Rachel. She loves Rachel but Rachel is a leper, making it difficult for Sister Catherine to fully show her appreciation. There is also the guilt from slapping Rachel looming over her at all times. The cannibal on the bottom represents Kalaupapa. It is the place she hates the most. She constantly wishes that she never came in the first place. The Kalaupapa cannibal is the one adding fuel to the fire because she can never get away from it. She can lock herself in her room to avoid everything else but she would still be imprisoned on the island. The cannibal all the way on the right represents the other nuns. Sister Catherine is disgusted by lepers and always has to hide it from the other sisters. None of the others have thrown up while bandaging wounds and that embarrasses Sister Catherine. While Sister Catherine is in the pot, she has a forced smile (does it look forced? Its supposed to look forced.) on her face. She doesn't know how to really smile in the cannibal's pot yet but she is trying. She wants to be happy with what she has been given but can't fully appreciate being trapped on an island full of very sick, very contagious patients.

(Also, her habit is covering her eyes like a blindfold but I can't remember what I meant by that. I probably thought it was clever at the time.)

Joy Luck Club

Through almost the whole movie, I was trying to sort all of the characters into Hogwarts houses. It was incredibly difficult. Every one of these women had the bravery, nerve, and daring of a Gryffindor. They also all had the kindness, tolerance, and work ethic of a Hufflepuff. But there was also the fraternity (or in this case sorority), self-preservation, and ambition of Slytherins. And then there was the wisdom, individuality, and acceptance of a Ravenclaw. Talk about a hat stall. Even if they didn't start out with a certain trait, it sort of popped up somewhere in their story. I had notes on who would be in which house but it's covered with question marks and slashes.

I have to say though, I really identified with some of the things in the movie. The main example being Suyuan and Lindo's little mom war. It was most of my childhood to be honest. My cousin and I were born in the same year and we were in a constant battle with each other, fighting for our mother's affection. Our mothers were also in a constant battle, trying their best to stroke their egos. I don't know if you find it surprising but I almost always won. I was more well behaved and I got better grades in school. She had more friends than me but whatever, mine lasted longer (muahaha). Our moms don't really care as much now for whatever reason but my cousin and I are still fighting subconsciously, I think. Like June and Waverly during the dinner scene. Waverly casually jabbing at June's work and June mentioning how much extra work she's willing to do. I'm sure they didn't mean to start such a big argument but I don't think they wanted to stop it either. When we were kids, my cousin used to casually mention, "since I'm a few months older than you, I'll have my licence first and I'll be able to drive you places." Guess which one of us has our license. That's right, me. I don't even need it. I didn't even want it in the first place. I think it's just so ingrained in our minds that we need to be the best, that we can't not be in first place for something.

I understand June's story from personal experience but what about the mothers' stories? I was a mess in class (thank goodness it was dark the whole time). Suyuan's story about leaving the twins behind while she went and found somewhere to die had me bawling. No joke. Then she recovers in a hospital but can't find her kids. Oh my gosh. I'm tearing up a little just thinking about it. I blame PMS. I thought Lindo's story was the best though. It was also the most ridiculous. I was expecting her husband to be some creepy old man but I was a just little off. He was what, twelve? He obviously didn't know how it works. I know women can't have children until after their first period but is there an age requirement on men? I think we all need a little more sex ed in schools. My favorite part was how she got out of there. I love when people use other people's superstitions against them (when they deserve it). I love how she fit everything together. The mole, the tooth, the servant girl's pregnancy. It was a masterpiece, if I do say so myself.

Overall. I really enjoyed it. I wouldn't change a thing about this movie. I'm glad they cut out the last line of the voice over and saved it for later. I also like the scene at the end when June meets the twins. I think it's all perfect.

(Also, Mrs. Gillis, you obviously don't have to believe or accept my excuse. I was trying to finish this Wednesday afternoon but I only managed about the first two paragraphs before people started showing up. I'm not allowed to use my laptop when family is visiting for the holidays. If they didn't show up a day early, everything would've been posted on time. I apologize for that.)

Shame (Found Poem)

it's overwhelming, all of it.

it knocks you down,

makes you feel small,

makes your cheeks turn red.

just make it stop.

it's all in a moment, the worst moment.

some mistakes can't be taken back,

so you hide instead of face it,

but a feeling can't last forever.

or can it?

they'll laugh, they'll hate you, forever.

you fear your friends' and family's gaze,

you hide from your own reflection.

it's a constant fight, you're always losing.

you'll never be anything but nothing.

The Liberation (It's really not the cookie's fault)

I don't really like the Americanized version of Chinese food but for whatever reason, my family does. They always bring me a fortune cookie, though, because I love those. I once got one that said something along the lines of, "You're the cookie now. Open yourself up." It was weird at the time, but I think that's the one I've listened to the best. I wish I didn't, though. I thought, 'maybe it wants me to try new things'. Call it over dramatic, claiming that a cookie is at fault for this claustrophobia, but it's true. Every time someone would tell me, 'I wanna take this class but no one wants to take it with me. I don't wanna be the only one there!,' I would automatically take it as a sign from the cookie.

"I'll take that class with you!," I would say. I'm in some deep trouble now, let me tell you. Jake thinks I should do chorus. Yeah, okay, sounds like fun. Natalie wants to take 'Heroine's Journey.' That looks cool. I'll join you. 'Let's join book club,' says Ana. 'UNICEF club. We gotta help the children!' Thanks, Club Member X, who was running the UNICEF stand. Sign me up. Look's like Jake's back with a 'You'd love Drama Club' which was, of course, followed up with a 'you should audition, you'd make a great Stephane.'

Now because of the cookie, I'm stressed out to the max. We have to learn so many songs for chorus, which I guess isn't so bad. We have until December. But our teacher doesn't know what he wants with one song and taught us another one completely wrong. Heroine's Journey (No offense, Ms. Gillis) is the first honors class I've taken since I don't even know when. Vocab, four page essays, a blog, and weekend homework (again, no hard feelings). The books (which are very good books, I'm sure) also overlap with the one I picked for leisure, and the one I'm reading for book club. Book club is run by a bunch of teenagers, which doesn't go over all that well. UNICEF is great and we have matching tee shirts, but meetings are all over the school and sometimes we have them and sometimes we don't. Don't even get me started on the bake sale! Even though I've never acted before, I'm an understudy and part of the ensemble, so I have those meetings to go to for almost no reason.

That doesn't even include the things I'm not doing. I used to come home and do things with my hands or listen to music or watch a movie with my sister. Now I don't write or draw like I used to. I don't watch full length movies. Just some TV shows here and there. There are so many books on my shelf I've been trying to get to. I haven't worked out or shadowboxed or anything like that for so long. My arms are squishy again. And on top of all that, I just spent all this time complaining when I could have been doing something more productive like sleeping or procrastinating. I've been doing that a lot lately too. I can't believe my senior year got this crazy because of  a cookie. Speaking of senior year, I also need to get my future planned out eventually. Yikes.

Mood Assignment

Small chips of paint fall to the ground after losing their battle to the merciless weather. A strong, freezing wind sighs through the crumbling highway bridge. The unevenly white-washed sky flashes warnings of an impending storm. An old pair of muddy boots, tied tightly to a collection of worn, creaky bones, dangle off the rusted remnants of the traffic barrier. A young but tired face is angled at the horizon, blankly staring off with glazed eyes. A calloused hand gently grazes a festering cheek laceration. The rhythmic echo of a water drop can be heard from below. Aside from this, the world is frozen: silent and macabre.

The silence is broken for no more that a second by a pleading whine. The massive, filthy paws of a Shiba Mix land with a twang onto the metallic beam. The eerie silence is broken yet again as the twenty-something year old clears dust out of her dry throat to speak. 'Okay. I hear you, I hear you,' she rasps, 'I'm coming.' Her black and blue legs swing up and over the ugly, olive colored bar on which she was sitting. With her feet finally return safely to the cracked pavement, she reaches down calmly and slowly to place a mostly gloved hand on the mutt's head. His normally chestnut fur, much like his master's clothes, were black from soot and ash.

Slowly, she makes her way towards the road through the blackened woods, dreading what was sure to come. Loyally, he follows his master, by her side,  towards anything and everything that would be waiting for her. Together, they move forward, ready to face what was left of the world.

Jane Representation

This is Jane's brain. It has a force field around it. The force field is Jane's self respect. It's job is to keep out all the negativity. The red lines are sounds Jane doesn't like to hear such as people telling her what she should and shouldn't do. Those green lines are all the positivity sliding right on through the barrier. These are things Jane does like to hear such as nature or Mary and Diana. The quote that best matches the image is, "I am no bird and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will."

I feel like this is the best way to depict Jane's character because it's just so true. Jane doesn't let anyone influence her decisions. She has the power to decide for herself. It's like she puts cotton in her ears whenever someone tries to tell her what to do or how to do it. She has always been the independent type of character I look up to. She isn't a bird in a net. That would imply that she has no choice. She always has a choice and she always had the power to take that choice and make it her own.